Just when you thought every asshole on the internet had taken gourd season as far as it could go, we have taken it to the next motherfucking level and transformed a decorative gourd into an outfit.
It’s a departure from our usual food as outfit post in that decorative gourds are not technically for eating. But that brings up an analogous existential question for fashion. Do we really need fashion? Is it purely decorative and a waste of everyone’s fucking time and resources?
Take a look at this gorgeous outfit, and then answer the fucking question.
I’m not going to call you fuckfaces, like the guy in the McSweeney’s piece, and I do apologize for the headline. He seemed justified in his enthusiasm calling his readers fuckfaces and fuckheads. He was just so excited. But this is a site for women and we need to be fucking nice to each other. Plus, that guy also wanted to DIY an actual motherfucking gourd necklace so let’s only trust his judgement so far. Or, shit, is he a fashion genius because that might actually be a fucking fabulous piece of jewelry.
I am also excited—very excited—about this motherfucking outfit. I want to buy every single thing here and go someplace fancy as shit for Thanksgiving dinner, like Ruth’s fucking Chris. When I walk in the other patrons will look up from their steak dinners and say, “Holy shit, she is the embodiment of a motherfucking decorative gourd,” and I will nod and smile knowing that I am literally wearing fucking fall.
Please take a look at the shiny-as-shit shimmer on that goddamn gown and tell me it doesn’t evoke the shellack on a decorative motherfucking gourd.
Also take a gander at those rings, if you will. Are they not gourd-shaped? And can you believe I found clip art of a perfectly arranged group of little fucking squashes to create a halo over all of the gourd-analogous products which I spent 12 hours hunting down on the internet?
By the way, if you click on any of those products and buy something, I’ll get some money, and I could really use some fucking money. Despite the million motherfucking bucks I’d look like in this gorgeous getup, I need to pay my goddamn rent.
Anyway, is that Hermès bracelet not the perfect pop of gold and orange to make this outfit really scream, “IF I GREW OUT OF THE GROUND I WOULD BE A MOTHERFUCKING GOURD?”
Next I’m going to talk about those motherfucking perfect earrings. Could you just die right now because they look exactly like the flower that grows on a vine before it becomes a motherfucking squash? If your answer is no then maybe get your eyes checked—not being a jerk I just really believe in the squash-analogous quality of that jewelry.
O.K., and the Tom Ford perfume—I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve never smelled this particular fucking perfume. It smells like a rotting gourd for all I know. Even so, having that fancy-ass bottle on your dresser would make it a worthwhile purchase. You should probably just carry it around because look how perfectly it matches that chainmail bag for fuck’s sake.
Also, behold these motherfucking orange sequin shoes. Are you dead now because I am.